being a sober person without a country

is it recovery without community?

Photo by M.T ElGassier on Unsplash

I went to my first AA meeting when I was 23 or 24. I knew I was in trouble, I drank with a devoted intensity that led to blackout almost every time. I was a danger to myself and those around me. Quitting drinking was a must, something that had to happen for my life to resemble living in any substantial way. I went to this meeting with a friend from work, we both had that wily hunched hunted look that said “I think I’ve gotten myself caught but I can surely get away!” Instead of surrender I chose to flee.

I drank for another 17 years.

I went to my second AA meeting at age 42, after about 6 months of being sober. I went with a new friend who had been sober for more than a while. I felt so brand new at sobriety and angrily doubtful of things like powerlessness and God that all I wanted was to leave the fucking room. It felt too hard to hear people’s stories about their drinking, too hard to own that I had those stories too.

“I’m trying to quit drinking, to de-identify with it, not grind it in more!” I thought with a snapped sense of indignation. These people have it all wrong. I felt righteous, and innovative- I could and was staying sober without AA. I was not only indignant, I was downright suspicious.

I’ve stayed sober for another 10 years.

I haven’t been to another AA meeting. I did try a women’s recovery group during my first year of sobriety and it was both helpful and toxic. The therapist leading the group took a chance with the group dynamics that lead to a build up of confrontations in each successive meeting and I left because I no longer felt safe, and I also thought it was bullshit. Instead of choosing another group, I chose to stay on my own.

At this point, I have been sober in solitude for so long that it feels pretty daunting to go to a meeting. What will I wear? What will I say? What if I can’t stop talking? What if I can’t start? What if people think I’m dumb, or boring, or that I’m not really sober and in recovery because I’ve not been involved in AA or step work? What if the past ten years don’t count?

I know, you don’t have to tell me.

Back when I first got sober, I found and joined the sober blogging community. Some went to AA, some didn’t. There was validation- AA was a way, but not the only way. For me, I was afraid. Afraid of letting anyone else into my recovery, afraid that if I talked about my drinking I would drink again, afraid of being around other people who drank like I did because what if we talked each other into going drinking?

So I convinced myself of a few things. First, one day at a time was not for me. I declared my commitment to forever and explained that I could not be trusted with that choice. If given the choice whether or not to drink every single day, I didn’t trust that I would be able to say no every single day. I rejected one day at a time outright.

Second was the idea of powerlessness. Fuck. That. I was not powerless, I had been powerless! I was powerless when I drank, but now that I didn’t, I was power FULL. I was not going to agree that I was powerless, not for anything or anybody. AA lost me at the first step. I wasn’t powerless, and my life wasn’t unmanageable! I was finally managing my power!

Third, I didn’t know what to do with the idea of God. Who was God? I didn’t have any understanding of any God, much less a one as I understood God.

I stayed sober without AA, one year, two years, three years. It became kind of a badge of honor, me and my unconventional sobriety. I almost couldn’t go to AA without compromising my vow to myself- that’s the way it felt at the time. I had proven I could stay sober without AA and so if I went to a meeting that would be an insult to my methods.

Truthfully, I was pretty lonely. There wasn’t a sober community around me. I acclimated to being a sober person without a country. I got on with my life.

My therapist and I would occasionally talk about what if I went to a meeting. I was noncommittal. It felt..rudimentary? Not needed? I was sober. Successfully sober. I was not in danger of relapse. Plus I didn’t believe that I was one meeting away from drinking again. My commitment was strong.

Around 2016 I heard about a new group that had started for people working in F & B (food and beverage- the restaurant industry) for people who were in recovery called Ben’s Friends. I went to a couple meetings, but they were in Raleigh (about 30+ mins away) and most people were much younger than me. It didn’t grab me enough to make the drive every week.

Over the pandemic I could have joined a meeting, but I didn’t. It didn’t feel important. I was pretty lukewarm about it. I found a newsletter called The Small Bow and finally joined one of their online meetings at the end of summer 2022, but then school started and I had to take my oldest to school at 1pm, exactly the time of the meeting I could go to. Then they added a Sunday meeting and I make an excuse every Sunday as to why I can’t go.

What am I afraid of? Why don’t I want to have sober community? And why is thinking about AA and “working the steps” suddenly so…appealing?

Until next week,

Amy