I figured something out

Morning pages ftw

I have a habit of rebelling against things I have chosen to do.

I make a solid plan, and then, I bail. It happens again and again. I delude myself into thinking that I am letting myself off the hook, performing an act of kindness by not holding myself accountable to a goal I’ve set for myself. Isn’t it nice of me to not make myself do something I did want to do, but that I don’t want to do now?

Yesterday I kept my word to myself and did not shrug off the thing I set as a goal, instead I did it, you can do this, even though I didn’t want to. This morning I was writing about it in my morning pages and LA LA! This came out:

Yesterday I wanted to bail, but I didn’t- because I didn’t truly want to bail, I actually wanted encouragement and to build up my belief in my own worth.

I wanted to see if I believed myself when I made this goal I’d set, so wanting to bail wasn’t an act of “self care” it was some kind of test to see if I would be supportive of my own self and put some encouragement in rather than “it doesn’t matter”. I trust myself more because I kept my word and I was encouraging rather than giving up.

Woot! I thought that was a cool way to look at it. So the instruction becomes:

1. want to give up

2. don’t give up, encourage

3. build self trust

4. repeat