Learning Boundaries With Cats

Lots of opportunity to practice.

Nellie, one of my two cats, will not stop begging, needing attention in the morning and it makes me a little crazy. What do you want? I fed you. I’ve tried playing with both them for a while to see if they just wanted some attention, but that didn’t work. Also she sleeps at my feet all night and wakes me up a bunch.

So what do I do? First- close my door at night. I need sleep. Second, just ignore her in the morning. I have my things I want to do and I will do them. I will make sure she is fed, watered, and loved throughout the day. I have the right to write my pages and not have to stop every five seconds because she's staring at me and meowing. Every time I stop, I reinforce that unwanted behavior.

What can I change? My reaction, my action. I don't have to please her. I can please myself. I don't have to stop what I'm doing. I know she's okay. She has food and water. I have something I want to do. That's not being neglectful. It's making a choice and choosing me. I get to do that.

I feel over-sensitized to it being neglect when someone wants attention and I don’t give it. I feel like I have to drop everything so they think I care, to make sure they don't think I don't care. It's horrid for me because it puts me last in the order of importance consistently enough to build an underlying sense of frustration and self neglect. That is not what I need. I need to feel cared for. Like I matter, my needs matter.

When I drop what I'm doing it creates a lack of self trust. Oh, all of these ways I can stand up for myself that I haven't known or noticed! This is a place I will practice and the cat gives me plenty of opportunity.

I want to complete the pattern in my head of noticing and following through, gather info rather than diminish myself. She meows, I notice. Is she fed and watered? Yes. Right now she has no urgent needs that can't wait. Does she want to wait? No, but she can handle me not giving her attention right now. Our relationship is strong enough to withstand me caring for myself. She will not think I don't care about her at all because I do care and I have shown her I do. She can trust me. I can trust her.

This is a revelation to me. Understanding that disappointment doesn't mean the end of a relationship. It means we add texture to our care. We build trust rather than me stopping every five seconds getting frustrated and speaking to her sharply several times. Oh, whoa. So me stopping/sharping actually creates distrust even though I think I'm creating trust. It's a pattern that pollutes our connection.

When I stop, get frustrated- I am not loving either of us. I am creating a gap in our trust, one that says when you are needy, it makes me mad, which isn't what I want. But if I ignore her when she's needy, that means she needs to deal with her own disappointment, learning that sometimes I choose her and sometimes I choose me. But I don't abandon myself every time because I wouldn't expect that of someone else.

It is frustrating for her to just stare at me, meow at me, but it's good practice for me to know that I am doing something I want to do and I don't have to stop because the cat wants me to. I want to choose myself over and over again, to create that knowing, that feeling of being important too.

I choose you, I say to myself 1000 times. I choose you.