I tend to cringe inside when people tell me how they see me. I was on a walk with a dear friend a few weeks ago and she said several nice things about me that I internally immediately denied- because my insides don’t match my outsides.
The way I have tried to make them match has been to work so hard on my inner self. Having an endless conversation trying to convince my skeptical insides it’s actually true that I’m warm and kind and I know a lot about being human. But, insides are not buying it. They have been awash in doubt for what feels like a million years- a million journals, conversations, and tries to win them over. To get them to believe me when I say “Hello, I am actually a good person plus all these other things too...”
My outsides are all in apparently- from the outside I seem approachable, loving, connected to nature, kind, capable, supportive, pretty, and fit…even my therapist called me deep, profound, and eloquent. People (plural) tell me (to my surprise) they’re glad I’m around. I have solid and strong relationships with my teenage boys, my ex husband and I get along great. I have good relationships with my parents, my brother and his family, excellent friendships that support and nourish me.
But on the inside? Inside thinks I’m careless, humiliating. Shameful. Ugly, out of control. And lazy. I have so much doubt that I freeze up. I have all this to swim around in. I cannot let the outside be me, because the inside refuses to set me free. It feels parasitic. If you really knew me I think, as I suck out my goodness at my own expense.
Perspective is a funny thing…it’s like living in a box with your back against the wall and then turning around to see that the wall is actually a door. I have been one way trying to get inside and outside to match without trying anything else besides working on the inside, just doing the same things over and over again in different costumes.
I realized that perhaps I am the one who is wrong about me. If almost everyone I talk to sees me as outside me, and when I try to tell them what inside me thinks they look puzzled and confused then I need to stop being myopic, open that door, and get outside.
What I’m thinking about is this: so often the way we learn or grow is to concentrate on who we are inside instead of seeing who others think we are from the outside and allow that to inform our process. If I am just stuck with only inside me getting anywhere is going to be so tough because I only see the worst of me, and of course- I hide my supposed worst on the inside, and it pollutes everything. Outside gets the good stuff. The parts of me I’m willing to show, that I’m proud of. So people reflect that back to me- I am actually all the things I want to be, the only thing I’m not is willing to believe that they’re true. Because inside is my only point of view!
I’m going to try it being an outside job and see how that influences my belonging, my place in the world, the way I treat myself. Inside me keeps wanting to hang with outside me and outside me runs away- and no wonder! I wouldn’t want to hang with inside me either! But if outside me is the lens I think things will look different.
Coherence is a big part of my healing practice, and it seems like I need the full story: not just the inside one. To widen the perspective to see the whole picture. Yes, I have been out of control, shameful, hurtful. And I have also been loving, caring, wise, and warm. All of these things can exist together, work together. Heal. Together.
Until next time,
Amy