THEN & NOW: First Week of January

2013, 2014, 2017, 2024

This time I’m trying putting a few “then” posts first, taking some quotes that stand out to me from those posts, highlighting them and relating them to where I am today for the “now” part. It’s interesting to see how the things I’m learning have evolved, and also how they haven’t. I’m almost embarrassed to say I still struggle with the same old things, and I feel proud of my willing heart that continues to try to keep getting wider perspective, and of my soul that continues to be open to more truth. I’m enjoying learning about and experimenting with the “Then & Now” work in progress.

I hope you can get something from these too. Happy beginning of January. Wherever you are, be firm with yourself, but not unkind, and loving. Always loving.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Resentment

I've noticed a LOT lately that I am resentful about everything sometimes. Maybe it's because everything used  to take such effort. Unload the dishwasher? I'm kinda tired. Change the sheets? Too hard. Make a life? Maybe tomorrow.

Now I'm noticing me noticing feeling resentful. I can sort of laugh at myself and think "Wow. You get mad about stuff a lot. A lot of stupid stuff."

I think it has to do with the fact that my life was so whacked out that I latched on to any opportunity to feel like I was in charge of the ship. "I may be blitzed by 8 o'clock, but dammit the house is clean!" Like the outward organization would fool my insides into thinking everything was copacetic. If my environment was neat, then the sloppy insides wouldn't be real. Because if I was really a mess then you could see it. If I'm yelling at you because the children watch too much TV then no one will notice that I'm the one not paying attention.

So the house was mostly clean, my husband was constantly on edge, and the children were gnawing their nails down to the quick. Oh. Wait.

Poor husband. He got and still gets the brunt of it. "Why isn't the dishwasher unloaded! The laundry put away! AGHHHH!" As soon as I walk in the door I can blow the day in two minutes. It takes forever to get it back. When I'm in the middle of the resentment I cannot stop. It's like two glasses of wine-why not get wasted? I'm feeling resentful-why not ruin it for everyone?

Resentment is kind of like lying to yourself. It's like telling yourself you deserve to be angry because your life isn't magically falling into place. And also blaming people around you for not being psychic.

It's a big waste of time.

Getting sober is an act of noticing. Noticing when you're wasting your time. Noticing when your self is being just plain stupid about something. Noticing when you notice and then you do something about it. Noticing and then moving on since you don't have to be stuck in an around and around merry-go-round of resenting the same things over and over again. When you get to the part where you actually resent something it is definitely time to let it go or find a way to deal. Step off the carnival ride.

The coolest thing about getting sober is learning all these interesting things about yourself. And then instead of drowning them in drink you can love them or lose them.

29 days today. :)

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Directions

I've been in this parenting funk for the past, oh forever. It's where things are all out of kilter, and kiddos are fighting constantly, or whining, or just being annoying in general. I'm not really paying attention since I've got my own flotsam and jetsam cluttering things up. Days and days and holidays have gone by with all of us in this state of house arrest, trapped by the holding pattern we're in. No one has the damn map so we can find our way back to the open road. And no one even thought of stopping for some directions. It has sucked.

I realized during my before-I-get-up-think that I was in this holding pattern all over my life. Stuck life-in-limbo. I get a little paralyzed sometimes. You know, when you know what you want to do, but then you just are unable to move towards it? When you have all these good ideas but you can't manage to stop wasting time long enough to actually make them happen? This is one of these times.

It definitely doesn't help that the children have been sort of out of control. I've been lazy mama and letting things go when they deserve some attention. Effort. Things just haven't felt right. So I called up Universe Amy the other day to vent and say "Help me. I'm a little lost." She said something that made so much sense. It went something like this: "I'm not here for them to like me, and me not doing my role makes things scary for them." Which really made me think about the kind of mother I want to be- the one who is liked, or loved? It jarred me back to reality, back to my responsibility.

Then I realized that I needed that tough love for myself.

My parents were strict. My dad had definite ideas about how things were supposed to be. My mom was the kind of mom I am: all over the place. Loving, yelling, here and there, yes, it's fine, NO IT'S NOT, attentive, dismissive. Wow. Me too. And I have my definite ideas, but then I never felt listened to so my rules are kind of wishy washy and limp. I'm trying to be liked. To never let my kids feel the way I did a lot- alone and unheard. Oh. Shit.

What if what I've been longing for all this time was stability? Knowing what to expect? What if the way I parent my children is the way I parent myself????

Oh. SHIT.

After the talk with Universe Amy I'm getting my game back with the kids. I got my big mama self back, the one who knows what the fuck is going on and is in charge. Who is tender, but doesn't take any business. Who has rules and may not be popular but keeps it together. The change in them is instant. As soon as I say "OK kids. Here I am, in charge. I have the damn map." they scootch right back to themselves again. They push back a little harder, but when I stand firm scootch right back. What a relief.

I need to be big mama for myself.

A big big part of my personality is the give-in. It used to go like this: "I want a drink." "No, don't have a drink." "I want one." "No, really. Don't. Bad idea." "But I want it." sigh. "Fine, go ahead." Then I got to feel guilty all the next day for it. I do that now but with food instead. I don't do my soul stuff that makes my life feel good. I let the apathetic careless me make the decisions and then the rest of me gets to feel all guilty and cranky and indignant. Hence the helplessness.

I get life lazy. Like it's just so hard to do life, but life won't shut the fuck up about it. I want to run but talk myself out of it. I want to write but convince myself I don't. I long for yoga but avoid it like the plague. I want to glue stuff together and be crafty but I stare at my phone for fifteen years instead. WTF? Where is big mama? I need her for me, too.

Life hands out directions at just the right time. Here I am bobbling along, then looking a little lost. Life is all, "She might be OK, just a little diversion, wait.....wait, oop, nope. Totally off track. Here, pass that woman the map again." I got my cheat sheet, again. "Look here" it says. "Right here." "See where you were going to do the things that keep you sane and not do those things that make you crazy? Merge! Merge! Get back on track!"

I know when what I'm doing is making me unhappy. And I know the right things to do. As much as my children like rules, and boundaries, as much as knowing where the line is makes them feel safe, I suddenly realized that I need that too. I often feel like there are a lot of me's in here and that no one is really running the show. I need that inner cop, the rule maker, the enforcer. It makes me feel safer to hear my own voice as the voice of reason not permission. "I love you so there are rules." rather than "I love you so do whatever."

Now I have my directions so I gotta keep keeping it together for more than three days. Not lose big mama in traffic. Follow my map. Try my hand at consistency. Be my own enforcing tough tender loving big mama. Put that careless me in the way back, strapped in the car seat where she belongs.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

You Love Her

My youngest has the sweetest crush on a girl in his class. She is his seat mate, they talk all the time: "Even more than me and you mom!" One day after school we waited for her mom to show up so we could ask her to come over to our house. I introduced myself and said to my son's friend, "Would you like to come over to our house one day to play?" She said, "No thank you, I'm fine," and my son pulled in his lips and made the please don't let me cry face and I kind of laughed politely and said, "Oh, okay, um see you later. Nice to meet you." We walked the long walk to the car and when we got in he tried to smile but cried instead. I tried to make it better by saying things like be patient and maybe today just wasn't a good day to ask but he kind of got himself together with a ragged sigh and proceeded to act like it didn't matter.

This has been my relationship with myself. I send out these fancy love letters to myself and then when it seems like time to become home friends and not just at school friends I clam up and refuse politely, and I also forget to feel how heartbroken I am and I breathe a lot and pretend like I'm just fine anyway, thanks. Mixed signals all over the place.

Is it embarrassing and a little self indulgent to admit that I love myself? Does that make me one of those people that persistently posts selfies and quotes about how they just keep going no matter what because even in the darkest day there might be a slice of light? When did it become wrong to love yourself? Does school beat it out of you? Your peers? Just life? Can it just be okay and acceptable and not make me arrogant or full of myself if I am okay with saying I'm okay?

I'm reading THIS BOOK and although I get tired of all the rah rah rah I love reading about giving myself permission to be cool with myself. Gratitude to HIP SOBRIETY for publishing her book list, I hadn't seen You are a Badass before and I really am almost to the liking the idea of thinking of myself as a badass cool lovely woman point. What have I got to lose? I mean I hated myself for years, so I'm giving love a chance. It's all part of the MERGE. :)

Sunday, January 7, 2024

Love to Me

Photo by Eduardo Goody on Unsplash

It’s funny that I said this back in 2013, because noticing is the thing I have come to believe is one of the most powerful things we can do. If I notice, then I automatically have a choice. Practicing noticing has been something I have been doing for a year or two now, and it’s hard. To notice I have to slow down and remember that I have time to do the noticing, and also acknowledge I have to get basic with myself- ok, what’s happening right now? what do you think you want to do? is that the healthy thing? how will this feel later? -which as a fifty-two year old woman can feel a bit childish. And, when I can take my time to notice and then decide- not act rash or careless- then I just make better choices.

There’s a simplicity to it when I can see myself in my minds eye in that little paralysis. I notice it, and talk to myself about it. It happens a lot when I first wake up- it happened this morning! I want to get up but I just…don’t. What is it that creates that sense of rebellion? Is it doubt? Fear?

I’m working on this feeling because sometimes it takes a lot of inner to and fro to get me to move, sometimes so long that I miss my opportunity to do things I want to do. It can feel like self punishment, or like a set up so I can berate myself later. It feels like a tired old habit.

And, it’s so much better than it used to be! I quit social media a few months ago and that has made an enormous difference in my doubt paralysis and time wasting. I have created pieces of accountability for myself- like saying I’m posting my Substack on Sunday and Wednesday, or putting tasks in my Google calendar, or to do’s on my written calendar. I am moving towards it.

I swear, stability has been on my mind for a month now. So wild that I was longing for it back in 2014! I was thinking about how, if I knew what was happening more I might feel more stable. My life is pretty fluid- I work for myself so I make my own schedule. I can do what I want a lot of the time, and I feel like my rebellious immaturity can take over and I turn into a kid whose parents are out of town and I can do whatever I want. It’s annoying. I am still working on structure. I’m finally starting to relish responsibility and rules. Not getting what I want all the time, getting what I need. I’m getting used to and enjoying the idea that the path of least resistance isn’t always the thing that gives me a sense of pride and well being. That feels like a big a-ha. Again. :)

I have historically loved myself with a sense of mushiness, a toxic tenderness that keeps me from trusting myself. I have started to demand more of myself. To use my strength and capability with a sense of adventure and push. Keeping my promises to myself. Not disappointing myself just because I can. At the same time I have started to demand down time and time for recreation- reading a book all day, or drawing, a wander in the woods rather than a run- not checking emails or doing just a *little* work during that time.

The rules can be guardrails both firm and kind. It makes me feel like I actually care about myself to be able to tell myself no. To not act as if it’s ok to do something when in my own heart I don’t think it is.

No, it isn’t self indulgent to admit I love myself. Not at all. As a matter of fact, I think it is the right of all of us to love ourselves, admire ourselves, to learn to love who we are day by day, to enjoy the people we are born to be. To me, if this were more encouraged there would be less violence and hurt in the world. It feels authentic and genuine to say “I love me.”

It is the thing I learned to do in recovery that is a priceless and humble gift I give to my one life- loving me. I’m learning now that loving me is a practice of truth and reality as much as it is tenderness. Both tough and tender, hard and soft, and always trying to be vulnerable enough to know the truth. To see my part.

This is absolutely still true. :) Thank you for reading! If you have comments or thoughts I would love to hear them.

Amy

P.s. MERGE was my word of the year in 2017. My word this year is BLAZE, with LOVE on the other side of the coin.