Then & Now :Self Trust
Saturday, March 2, 2013
The 11th Commandment
Ooops. I forgot one!
I've been thinking a whole lot about the messages I tell myself, the way I react to me, and how I handle decisions.
I figured something out that anyone with a grain of sense could have seen. Easily. But you know how the seeing things thing is, and how you just don't until you just do.
I have...trust issues. And by 'trust issues' I mean the kind that you have with the most important person in your life. I don't trust ME.
I notice that when it comes to making decisions I waffle all over the place. "Well, maybe this? Or that? Whatever could be good, too. If I do this then will that be mad? Blah blah blah." I also think I tell myself in that destructive whisper-y voice that you can't hear with ears or your head but the one that you just know in your heart that I'm not doing it right. Ever. That I can't be trusted. That I don't know what's best for me. I have zero credibility with myself. My motives are always questionable. That I have been given the opportunity time and time again to do what's right and I failed. Miserably.
I was listening to The Bubble Hour again yesterday. It was the one about early sobriety. The first guest was a woman who had to move herself and her young child in with her mother. Her mother was having a hard time trusting her now that the woman was sober because for years the mother had been lied to. Let down. This is me. I am the liar and the distrusting mother. Talk about a tough crowd.
Learning to trust someone after twenty some years of letdowns is a big big big deal. Sometimes I can feel myself not even wanting to try, having given up on me so many times- and maybe even for good years ago. Don't get me wrong, I am trying so hard. And I want to try so hard. I haven't ever wanted anything more in my whole life. It's the knowledge that the person that hurt me the most is ME that blows me away. It's knowing that my soft place to fall has it's arms crossed and is eyeing me suspiciously. It's that I can't be trusted to make even simple, seemingly easy decisions without the scrutiny squad tearing them to bits looking for hidden agendas. And I'm paralyzed and frustrated and skeptical. And brimming with self-doubt.
So I suppose this all boils down to instincts. And hearing. And trust.
And my 11th Commandment: Honor Thyself. Because if the neighbors can be part of it, then I can be part of it, too.
Those two words give me such pause. Honor Thyself. I would have never though to do that before. Hold me in high esteem? Me deserving respect? Having dignity? Credibility? Whoa. No wonder I'm feeling a little awed at the prospect of bestowing myself with all that. No fucking wonder it's hard to trust that, and that something like that is confusing to hear. Especially since I haven't really ever done that, and so I'm extra extra out of practice.
Sobriety is hard, but really life is hard. When you choose to get sober and turn around to face your life you just can't imagine all the remarkable things you're in for. When I made the choice to quit drinking forever I declared my intention to honor myself. Out loud, into my universe, to my higher power, to myself. Every day is an act of building trust. A lesson in self respect. Every day I stay true to the promise that I've made to myself strengthens my integrity, my self worth.
If I can choose to honor my higher power, the lives of others, a day of worship and rest, and to not lie about my neighbors or want their stuff then I can make a new commandment too. A commandment to be taken earnestly and holding monumental significance. Maybe the most important one of all.
HONOR THYSELF.
Every one of these eighty-six days shows me that my word has value. And that I am not a liar after all.
Sunday, March 3, 2024
Let me know I can trust you.
Look at my lovely office! I moved my desk away from the window and over by the bookshelf and I am rejuvenated. My office now looks like an office, rather than a collection of furniture pushed up against the walls.
Also, my standing desk thing is the greatest! Since I have waited tables for the majority of my career I had no idea how hard so much sitting is. Even when I was coaching more and doing less waiting tables I wasn’t doing as much sitting. Now that I coach full time (mostly virtually) and don’t wait any tables I do a lot more sitting.
These two things- moving an office around, buying a standing desk- they seem so…normal, small potatoes in the soup of life- but they are solid evidence of trust and care. They show me I care about my day to day environment, and that if I’m uncomfortable I will look for a solution instead of suffering the days away.
This is so gorgeous to me. Acted upon trust that reveals I value myself and my experience- it is such a basic thing, and yet, not so easy.
I wonder how we got here, the place where the least trust goes to the person we need to trust the most- ourselves. How looking out for ourselves became selfish, and greedy- arrogant. What the hell.
A funny thing I started doing a few years ago is when I listen to love songs and the lyrics are directed at another person I make it a song from me to me. All the songs about love are love songs from me to myself. It is very fun. :) You should try it.
This year, I started the practice of writing little encouraging poems to myself on the notes page of my weekly planner every Sunday when I do my weekly gratitudes and make my list of practices for the week. “Promise me you’ll be here for me, let me know I can trust you” is last weeks little poem. It’s me and me- in it together. We are a team. It’s little, basic, and it makes a difference when I get to Wednesday and the week is being a week. I see these words I wrote for me- and I feel loved. Cared for. I see myself how I want to see me: a human being trying hard and wanting to do her best. I do not kick myself when I am down because I am already down. I don’t kick myself when I’m up either- because I want to feel up.
Honor is a beautiful word, a word that belongs with self. When I honor myself I am a better person in the world.