Ok, Im back....Our household of 8, almost 9, has had covid, and I could barely think....but this so resonated for me.
This.....
"One of the things I'm trying to let go of is my stale idea of what doing my best means. The problem comes from me expecting everyone else to be upholding themselves to my always high standards and judgements. As in: be perfect at all times my way. Be perfect in my own random proper white knuckle-y way that then meant the house was in order but I was drunk on the back porch and a hungover wreck a few days a week. Now as in I'm keeping it together in all the ways you can see. Trying too hard on the things that are easy distractions and not the content of the actual growth and tasks that needs to happen for me to become more settled and at ease."
I was never "drunk" in the usual sense...as I had been too traumatized from my families use of substances to EVER allow myself to not be in total control at all times....so I wasn't drunk on the back porch, but I could be angry and screaming, or frozen and dismissive in my overwhelm.
We have had some HUGE life events lately which I will DM you more about that later.....but they have taken all of us to new deeper levels of seeing our need, our flaws, our "good enough," "doing our best," and beyond. It has been excruciating, and I too have sought out a therapist...without much luck. I do not want anyone who is stuck in the old ideas of "letting go" or who will shame me with lectures on codependency and minding my own business. We are a family. I can't fix, I can't change anything, but I can be present.
My belief, my expereince, is that all of the hard stuff really does show us how to know ourselves intimately. Deeply. And doing one step at a time, one foot infront of the other, slowly, conciously, is how we grow. Stopping as we need to to be present, to feel....even when its deeply uncomfortable....its how we live.
So happy you are writing again. I am here with you reading, and seeking out authenticity and healing and living.
Definitely be in touch with more details and I am here to listen, witness, and hear you. To be with you.
Presence is something I think about so much: it's the thing that will share the things I need to know with me if I can stand it. I also believe that the things that challenge us can change us if we are willing to get to know ourselves differently. Lately I have been reminding myself over and over "I am capable in discomfort." it has been so soothing- it is an improvement to Pema Chodron's idea of comfort in discomfort. I don't need to be comfortable in discomfort, I need to remember than I am capable when I am in discomfort. That being uncomfortable doesn't erase my ability to be present and to see and to decide.
It's interesting how as leaders in a family we can forget to be the people who get helped. I am working so hard on this: the idea that I can be the broken winged bird, that I can be the piece that needs finding, the day that needs saving- and that isn't shameful. I also think a lot about the ideas of therapy that need updating and freshening up- like the idea of letting go. We can talk more about that.
I am so glad you're here! You have been part of my life for a long time, and I am grateful for you. My email is amy@amyknottparrish.com
I loved that....I don't even words right now, but it touched my soul.
Thank you Annette, if you find words I’m interested in hearing them. 🩷
Ok, Im back....Our household of 8, almost 9, has had covid, and I could barely think....but this so resonated for me.
This.....
"One of the things I'm trying to let go of is my stale idea of what doing my best means. The problem comes from me expecting everyone else to be upholding themselves to my always high standards and judgements. As in: be perfect at all times my way. Be perfect in my own random proper white knuckle-y way that then meant the house was in order but I was drunk on the back porch and a hungover wreck a few days a week. Now as in I'm keeping it together in all the ways you can see. Trying too hard on the things that are easy distractions and not the content of the actual growth and tasks that needs to happen for me to become more settled and at ease."
I was never "drunk" in the usual sense...as I had been too traumatized from my families use of substances to EVER allow myself to not be in total control at all times....so I wasn't drunk on the back porch, but I could be angry and screaming, or frozen and dismissive in my overwhelm.
We have had some HUGE life events lately which I will DM you more about that later.....but they have taken all of us to new deeper levels of seeing our need, our flaws, our "good enough," "doing our best," and beyond. It has been excruciating, and I too have sought out a therapist...without much luck. I do not want anyone who is stuck in the old ideas of "letting go" or who will shame me with lectures on codependency and minding my own business. We are a family. I can't fix, I can't change anything, but I can be present.
My belief, my expereince, is that all of the hard stuff really does show us how to know ourselves intimately. Deeply. And doing one step at a time, one foot infront of the other, slowly, conciously, is how we grow. Stopping as we need to to be present, to feel....even when its deeply uncomfortable....its how we live.
So happy you are writing again. I am here with you reading, and seeking out authenticity and healing and living.
Definitely be in touch with more details and I am here to listen, witness, and hear you. To be with you.
Presence is something I think about so much: it's the thing that will share the things I need to know with me if I can stand it. I also believe that the things that challenge us can change us if we are willing to get to know ourselves differently. Lately I have been reminding myself over and over "I am capable in discomfort." it has been so soothing- it is an improvement to Pema Chodron's idea of comfort in discomfort. I don't need to be comfortable in discomfort, I need to remember than I am capable when I am in discomfort. That being uncomfortable doesn't erase my ability to be present and to see and to decide.
It's interesting how as leaders in a family we can forget to be the people who get helped. I am working so hard on this: the idea that I can be the broken winged bird, that I can be the piece that needs finding, the day that needs saving- and that isn't shameful. I also think a lot about the ideas of therapy that need updating and freshening up- like the idea of letting go. We can talk more about that.
I am so glad you're here! You have been part of my life for a long time, and I am grateful for you. My email is amy@amyknottparrish.com
Be in touch. :)